Archive for the ‘kudos’ Category

VCDX 2012 Christmas Treat

Monday, December 17th, 2012

So I got home today, and found a package at the front door by UPS.  Its Christmas, and I order stuff online, so I thought nothing of it….Until I opened the box that is.

VMware’s Certification Team reached out to the people who hold VCDX Certification, and stated we should expect something later this year.  We have gotten some nice shirts, stickers, and other do-dads that we all use.  The VMware Team also said we should watch out, as we will have our expectations exceeded when we get this package.

Well, I forgot all about it, until I saw who the package was from.  HUGE box, and I could not begin to imagine what was included, and it was sweet.

1 x Solid vase, with VCDX logo, my name, and my cert number etched into the base
1 x Leeman Binder, with VCDX logo embossed, along with my initials
1 x logoed (with bottle opener attached) drink cooler….looks like more than 10 bottles fit in here!
1 x Fleece Jacket, embossed with VCDX logo, and my certification number embroidered on it
1 x Polo shirt, with VCDX logo embroidered on (very nice shirt too!)
2 x VCDX logo beer glasses
1 x HD Camcorder (sweet….), with my VCDX number right on it

and….not to be outdone by ANYONE else…..

1 x 6-pack of VCDX Special Ale (Thank you for brewing it, Devil’s Canyon!)

I was really excited about this, and can’t wait to find out how the beer tastes!
Those glasses will be getting some use tonight!

THANK YOU TO THE VMWARE CERTIFICATION TEAM FOR THIS EXTRAVAGANT GIFT!!!!!

Funny one liners…

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Found this somewhere online, but lost the link…

Good round up of people’s short texts…..

 

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry. 

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN.

Who’s General Failure & why is he reading my disk? 

If your name was homework, i’de be doing you on my desk right now.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

You’re like a slinky – completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do we call them buildings when they’re finished? Shouldn’t they be called Builts?

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up i will just hit them all at once.

For Xmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.

This is almost as enthralling as a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together.

Don’t drink water – fish have sex in it.

The most effective copyright protection known to man: a scratched CD.

When Insults Had Class

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

I saw this a while ago, and do not remember where I found it, but thought it is worth sharing….

 

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
–Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
–Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
–Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
–Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
–Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”
–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
–Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
–John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
–Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
–Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
–Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
–Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
–Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
–Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
—Moses Hadas

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
—Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
—Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
—Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
—Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
—Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.”
—Abraham Lincoln

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.”
—Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
—Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
–Oscar Wilde

“You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”
–The Earl of Sandwich

“That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”
–John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
—Winston Churchill

George Carlin has Died… :(

Monday, June 23rd, 2008
As George Carlin passed on yesterday, here’s a collection of some of his words of wisdom that should make us smile….
I Am Your Worst Nightmare!  I am a BAD American.  I am George Carlin. 
  • I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel overnmental functionary  with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
  • I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!  I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
  • I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.
  • I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
  • I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
  • I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
  • I don’t use the excuse “It’s for the children.” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
  • I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
  • I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
  • I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
  • My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled “Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman.”
  • I don’t hate the rich.  I don’t pity the poor.
  • I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.
  • I think global warming is a big lie.  Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? 
  • I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave; I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt; I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so  shut- the-#$%!-up already.
  • I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches.  And where does he get his money.  And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
  • I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them.  I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. 
  • I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
  • I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making “donations” to their cause.  These people should be targets.
  • I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
  • I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. 
  • I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
  • I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement. 
  • I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
  • I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
  • I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you.  This even applies when you are President of the United States.
  • If all these beliefs make me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
  • If you too are a BAD American, please forward this to everyone you know.
  • We need our country back!  NOW!!!

 

I thank you. 

George Carlin

TPS Report Anyone?

Friday, June 6th, 2008

Do you really need me to tell you what this is?

TPS Report Cover Sheet

For Those Born 1920-1979

Saturday, May 31st, 2008

I do not know where this came from, but I did not write it.
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF   YOU DON’T READ ANYTHING ELSE—VERY WELL STATED.

 

To all the kids who survived the 1930′s, 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s!! 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. 

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. 

As infants &  children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. 

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because, 

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. 

We would spend hours   building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes, After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms……. 

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! 

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! 

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS! 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives  for our own good . 

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’ 

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us…go ahead and delete this. 

For the rest of us…pass this ON!

The Jar & Life

Sunday, March 9th, 2008

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full – They agreed it was.

 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.” The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

 

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

 

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

 

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

 

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand .”

 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.

 

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

 

Grandfather at the Table Story

Thursday, February 28th, 2008

I’ve no idea where I found this, but if you know where this originated, let me know so I can give credit when credit is due….

 

 

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.  The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

 

The family ate together at the table.  But, the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.  Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.  When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.  The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.    “We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.  “I’ve had enough of the spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.”  So, the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

 

There Grandfather ate alone,while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.  Since, Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.  When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye, as he sat alone.  Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions, when he dropped a fork or spilled food.  The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

 

One evening, before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.  He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?” Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for Papa and Mama to eat their food in when I grow up.”  The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

 

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.  Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.  Though, no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

 

That evening, the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.  For the remainder of his days, he ate every meal with the family.  And, for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

 

Children are remarkably perceptive.  Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.  If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.  The wise parent realizes that every day the building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.

Let’s be wise builders.

 

 

Bar Stool Economics

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008


From the University of Georgia :

 

Bar Stool Economics

 

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

 

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

 

So, that’s what they decided to do.

 

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

 

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would b e fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

 

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

 

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

 

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!” “Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!” “That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!” “Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

 

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

 

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

University of Georgia

 

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Out Of Office Replies

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008


Got this forwarded over to me from Natalie.  Loved reading it, myself…

 1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

 

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

 

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

 

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.  You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

 

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.