Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Funny one liners…

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Found this somewhere online, but lost the link…

Good round up of people’s short texts…..

 

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry. 

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN.

Who’s General Failure & why is he reading my disk? 

If your name was homework, i’de be doing you on my desk right now.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

You’re like a slinky – completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do we call them buildings when they’re finished? Shouldn’t they be called Builts?

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up i will just hit them all at once.

For Xmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.

This is almost as enthralling as a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together.

Don’t drink water – fish have sex in it.

The most effective copyright protection known to man: a scratched CD.

When Insults Had Class

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

I saw this a while ago, and do not remember where I found it, but thought it is worth sharing….

 

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
–Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
–Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
–Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
–Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
–Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”
–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
–Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
–John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
–Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
–Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
–Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
–Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
–Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
–Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
—Moses Hadas

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
—Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
—Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
—Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
—Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
—Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.”
—Abraham Lincoln

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.”
—Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
—Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
–Oscar Wilde

“You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”
–The Earl of Sandwich

“That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”
–John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
—Winston Churchill

George Carlin has Died… :(

Monday, June 23rd, 2008
As George Carlin passed on yesterday, here’s a collection of some of his words of wisdom that should make us smile….
I Am Your Worst Nightmare!  I am a BAD American.  I am George Carlin. 
  • I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel overnmental functionary  with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
  • I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!  I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
  • I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.
  • I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
  • I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
  • I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
  • I don’t use the excuse “It’s for the children.” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
  • I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
  • I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
  • I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
  • My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled “Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman.”
  • I don’t hate the rich.  I don’t pity the poor.
  • I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.
  • I think global warming is a big lie.  Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? 
  • I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave; I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt; I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so  shut- the-#$%!-up already.
  • I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches.  And where does he get his money.  And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
  • I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them.  I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. 
  • I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
  • I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making “donations” to their cause.  These people should be targets.
  • I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
  • I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. 
  • I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
  • I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement. 
  • I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
  • I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
  • I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you.  This even applies when you are President of the United States.
  • If all these beliefs make me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
  • If you too are a BAD American, please forward this to everyone you know.
  • We need our country back!  NOW!!!

 

I thank you. 

George Carlin

For Those Born 1920-1979

Saturday, May 31st, 2008

I do not know where this came from, but I did not write it.
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF   YOU DON’T READ ANYTHING ELSE—VERY WELL STATED.

 

To all the kids who survived the 1930′s, 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s!! 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. 

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. 

As infants &  children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. 

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because, 

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. 

We would spend hours   building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes, After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms……. 

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! 

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! 

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS! 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives  for our own good . 

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’ 

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us…go ahead and delete this. 

For the rest of us…pass this ON!

Bar Stool Economics

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008


From the University of Georgia :

 

Bar Stool Economics

 

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

 

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

 

So, that’s what they decided to do.

 

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

 

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would b e fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

 

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

 

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

 

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!” “Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!” “That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!” “Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

 

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

 

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

 

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

University of Georgia

 

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Out Of Office Replies

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008


Got this forwarded over to me from Natalie.  Loved reading it, myself…

 1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

 

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

 

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

 

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.  You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

 

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve. 

 

 

Welcome to Arizona!

Friday, February 22nd, 2008

 

In the same spirit as my last post, got this forwarded to me by my sister.  Thought it was appropriate.  Is this REALLY what I have to look forward to? 

 

 

Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!  Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful.  I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

 

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.

 

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.  Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

 

July 10th:

The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

 

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).  Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

 

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

 

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

 

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

 

Aug. 4th:

It’s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

 

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

 

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat.  I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . .  Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

 

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.  Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.  Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

 

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?”  My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona.  What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??  Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

New England In the Winter

Monday, February 18th, 2008

Fitting.  As I’m leaving town today, I find this in my collection of fun stuff.Guess I’ll be thinking of y’all back home as I sit in the sun of the desert soon. 

DEAR DIARY:

AUG. 1

Moved to our new home in New England. It is so beautiful  here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow.  I LOVE IT HERE!

 

OCT. 14

New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful.  Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise.  I LOVE IT HERE!

 

NOV. 11

Deer season will open soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity.  Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE!

 

DEC. 2

It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won).  When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony.  I LOVE IT HERE!

 

DEC. 12

More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE!

 

DEC. 19

Snowed again last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I’m exhausted from shoveling. Fucking Snowplow!

 

DEC. 22

More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling. That Asshole!

 

DEC. 25

“White Christmas” my busted ass. More fucking snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on this fucking ice.

 

DEC. 28

More of the same shit last night. Been inside since Christmas day except for when “Snowplow Harry” comes by. Can’t go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The  weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

 

JAN. 1

Happy Fucking New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 34 fucking inches of snow this time. At this rate it won’t melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and shit for brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over his fucking head.

 

JAN. 4

Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the fucker. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.

 

MAY 3

Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the fucking salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of shit.

 

MAY 10

Moved to Florida today. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right fucking mind would want to live in New England. 

John Cleese’s Letter To America

Sunday, February 17th, 2008

Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
  2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
  3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
  4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
  5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
  6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
  7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
  8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
  9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
  11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
  13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
  14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
  15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
  16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
  17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
  18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
  19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
  20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.


Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

Calvin & Hobbes Collection

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007

Just found a link to the entire library of Calvin & Hobbes.  What a great find!

http://www.marcellosendos.ch/comics/ch/index.html

The format is easy to read, 1 month’s worth of comics per page.